You're Being THAT Person, Aren't you?

Once, I had my heartbroken by someone that kissed my collarbone like he had fallen in love with my ancestry. He said my name like he knew who I was, even when I didnt. He held my hand like it was the last dying memory he would grasp onto. He made me safe. He made me whole. He made me new. He shattered me. And everyone thereafter, cut into me a little deeper.

But a long time ago, I told myself that it was time to change things if I wanted to attract the right type of guy. Like most clueless people I affiliate with, I changed. Changed my address, changed my phone number, changed my job, changed my look... But aint shit changed in my love life and I couldnt figure out for the life of me what I had done wrong.  So I started thinking, I keep meeting the same guy, repeating the same actions, and feeling the same way when it doesnt work out. Hmm, what about this sounds wrong? ALL of it, super-stupid. Duh Dont be Dumb! Youre being insane. Litrally.

Then HE came along. The different one. You know the one who sleeps next to you instead of with you for months until you decide you want to ride the steel force, and hopefully it gives you the addrenaline pump that your body has craved since you laid eyes on him. The guy that whispers Shakespeare in your ear, and buys you flowers because its 6:09pm on a Tuesday. That guy. He saved my view of love and relationships. But the only problem with that guy was that he couldnt change my view. Because I hadnt changed anything to begin with, I was the same me. The same clueless me that kept getting hurt.

At some point, when you keep getting your heart stampeded over by the million man march, you have to accept responsibility for the fact that you are doing something SO WRONG! Sometimes you need to step back from the dating scene and just evaluate. Something about you is wrong. But no one ever wants to accept that theyre not perfect for themselves, and our desperate and lonely asses (myself included) will carry out this fallacy of a relationship just to pretend we're happy with our current situation.

Why is it so difficult to change?

This brings me to my latest situation. After taking time to really acknowledge and deal with whatever is wrong with you, you need to let that shit settle. Thats where I went wrong. I recently started/stopped dating this guy who had a way of making me feel like nothing even mattered at all. But when you get the puppy home, theres shit and piss all over your carpet the next day. Thats not how it went but it  usually is. This guy showed signs of being a fatal attraction early on. Its not that he's a bad person, quite the contrary, he's a wonderful person. Just not for me.  He revealed his true character way sooner than was expected, and I was still busy falling in like with the representative he had originally sent on our initial dates. (Theres nothing wrong with that, Everybody does it) What is wrong with this picture though, is that even when he explicitly told me "THIS IS WHO I AM!" All I heard was Beethoven's 5th Symphony. I heard the optimism in his rejection, I heard kindness in his aggitation, I heard "the one" instead of "one of the options". I heard my desperation drip from my ears.

This is not the problem either. 

The problem is I could see it all happening, and I knew I was wrong, but I couldnt stop. Thats when I started to step back (still a piece of me  holding on to that rep from the first date [a rather large piece if we're being honest].) I realized he couldnt give me anything I needed, because I couldnt give him anything he needed. But I still wanted him. Selfish, right?! Well tell them that its human nature... We want what want, when we want it, and how we want it. But when your wants take precedence over your needs, you are in so much trouble...

You are knee deep in a kiddie pool of your own excrement...

Gross!

Dont be that person, nobody likes that person. You dont even like that person. But you put up with being them because youre desperate, or youre lonely, or youre afraid to change, or you dont love the true you that you are. Whatever youre problem is, find it then fix it then let that marinate in your soul for a little bit. You'll be better for it. And when you are, you'll know it. But until you know, sit your lonely ass and figure out your problems.

Moral of the story; Get your shit together, life is not a fucking fairy tale.