Concrete Rose

I've been paying attention to the smaller details lately. And I've noticed a growth in myself in the past few months... Some have been stressful growths, some have been exciting growths, and others have been painful both emotionally and physically... But ALL of them have been important and vital to my existence. I've been working, A LOT! And in working so much, I've had a little bit of time to myself. Time to look inward and reflect on the things about myself that love and hate. In short, I have been changing for better, or for worse. And no matter what the outcome has been, I have been completely happy, (not content, not satisfied, not ok, not fine, but happy) with myself. Elated even. With that being said, there are people in my life that I feel I am growing in a different direction from. It is not to say that they aren't amazing people or that they aren't progressing in their own individual lives but that our life paths don't necessarily match up right now. For instance, a very close friend of mine and I haven't spoken in some time. I know she's upset with me, but for a few reasons I genuinely don't feel like I need to mend this friendship (right now anyway). I think we have been growing apart for some time, and our visions of our futures just don't fit in with each other. But while I'm slightly saddened by this notion, I'm not at all angry nor do I feel moved to fight this parting of people. The same is true for another friend of mine, whom I feel has been slightly stagnant for some time. While this is none of my business to get into, I feel that a part of me is allowing myself to be stagnant just to save the friendship as we know it. But I am rapidly approaching a point in my life where I realize, some ships are meant to sink, and Friendships aren't exempt from that rule. A long time ago, someone told me that people come into your life for reasons and seasons. Some seasons are long, and some reasons are forever unknown, but others come to the light and run their course. I honestly don't know about some of the people in my life, but I've come to have such a deep understanding of self and profound self-love that I genuinely cannot contribute to the negativity or stagnation in my own hemisphere. I have decided to take full control of the ship I'm on. Its a relationSHIP to my inner self, and I can't abandon that ship. I can't let that ship sink. I've finally learned how to be the captain, crew, and passenger of my own ship. In due time, I will find a place/person to dock my ship, and allow NEW guests to share my life with.

Is This Real Life?

Lately I find myself asking the same damn question, is this REAL life? Let me further explain... The stupidity that I encounter daily, has to be at an all time high this particular season. Now I am not completely innocent of contributing to this intellectual blockade. I too, have my blonde moments, that's so not PC. Which brings me to my next point, I was never supposed to work in retail. Its just not right. My soul says NO! Anyway, the story; so I'm at work, and I'm on the register helping out and blah blah long lines, u know the deal... So any who, this women comes to my register and throws her clothes across the counter! (whispers to the side: Ok so this is the point where RaShanaQuida started climbing to the surface) but I remained calm. I said to her "thanks for waiting, I hope u found everything" to which SomeDumb BlondeBitch (yes that is her first and last name as far as my life permits me to be concerned) responds "just hurry the hell up"PARDON e MOI? (RaShanaQuida is French, u know the hood bitch in me is still fancy) any who, SomeDumb goes on talking on her cell phone, I then ask her if she needs anything else and she says in an annoyed tone "no, just hurry up!" So I PAUSE to ask myself "Is this REAL life?" And IT WAS (dramatic heighten of the voice). So I ever-so-calmly took the clothes and passed it down to another cashier! I said "they can hurry up down there, I don't do the upward hurrying, NEXT IN LINE". Of course now SomeDumb BlondeBitch would like to speak with the manager on duty, and of course you can guess who that is? (so now I'm cheesin like a damn cheerleader on top of the pyramid) and as I heard them ask me to help, I noticed it was time for my lunch break... How convenient! 2 fingas and Hollaback!!!! U know I peaced out... Good night AND good luck!

Journey to the Mother Land

In my recent journey to the motherland  (CentralPark), I had an epiphany. No external factors can contribute to my own happiness/emotional wealth. I have listened to so many people tell me what I should do or needed to do, so that I could be happy with myself. And as I sat there in the (New York) silence, looking at the beautiful seasonal scenery, the metaphorical clouds cleared and a weight lifted off me. I felt... I was Free. An emotion and state of being that I am constantly searching for, and I felt it! Completely. For the first time in my life, I finally felt something. Felt free. Like nothing even mattered... And it didn't, because in that moment I had let it all go. And I was free from the pain, the ignorance, the broken hearts, the bull shit! I'm gonna hold onto this feeling... I like  Love this one.

Impossible

I wanna build snowmen
In the serengeti
With ur spiritual oasis
While u love me
Impossibly
Serenade my soul
And I will surrender
All of myself
To ur sweet serendipity
Intimately Indicative
Of the passion
We shared
In old times
And past lives
When we were
Pharaohs
And I was ur kingdom
Give me the throne
And our royalty
Will know no
Boundaries
I wanna smell u
In my dreams
Wrap ur essence
In my ecstasy
And hold onto u
Like a deeply desired
Fantasy
I wanna love u on purpose
Knowingly risk my heart
For the sake
Of forsaking my fears
Show me everything
Bare to me ur dignity
Prove that ur  love worthy
And love me
Impossibly
I wanna see God
In ur eyes
Know u so intricately
U inhale through me
Take my breath away
Because I
Intuitively trust u
With my soul
Intrinsic lover of mine
Wrap me in ur
Angelic wings
And let this impossible
Love soar

Ghost Writing....

Its been really difficult for me to look at your page. And I know this is silly, writing u a message that will probably never get opened or read, but its just something I have to do. I've never had the chance to explain myself or apologize to you for my being so abrasive. I know someplace inside I knew that I should have approached that situation differently but my heart, it was so anxious and full of love for u, I just had to do what I had to do   Tell you what I was  feeling. and when you didnt react to those feelings, I was LIVID... lol (How immature, right)But I kept those good times at heart. Those times when we would talk for hours and watch Purple Rain over the phone, and laugh at how only Prince could change somebody's whole name and it be ok lmao. And how you wanted to join that organization so bad that you transfered schools to get your chance, even tho I disagreed cuz nothing was worth that much lol. Or when I had to damn near stalk yo ass cuz I hadnt heard from you in weeks. And when we stopped speaking, for whatever reasons, I was so mad at you... Everytime I thought about it I would get annoyed. But a year ago around this time, I saw you walking from your car when I was going to campus, and I had  We had a short convo, caught up briefly and everything I ever shared with you rushed back into me for a second, then we said our goodbyes, And it was so short and its so odd because I never say goodbye (Only See you Later)... It makes things feel like the end to me, and ironically it was the last time I ever saw you. Even though I tried so hard not to, I love you from the depths of my soul and with every fiber of my being I will continue to love you. In life and in death. My soul mated with you in a metaphysical way that only the two of us would understand without words. I guess heaven needed another angel to watch over things. But I know you're happy now, and its all I've ever wanted for you. I pray we meet again someday. But until then, hold my spirit the way only you could, and keep me in the light. Protect me from harm and lead me to salvation. Happy Birthday... From your dearest friend... I love you. More than words. Show Heaven how we do it on Earth lol... 

Te Amo Mas Que...

They're More Than Words
They're more than
You've ever dreamed of
They're Freedom
And Love
And I Love you
More Than Words
So when my lips part
And my heart begins
To whisper
I want your soul
To hear me say...
Te Amo Mas Que...
Amor

"Love is but discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition" Alexander Smith

What the Hell am I doing here?

So its 2:31 am and I have decided to create this blog in efforts to get some things off my chest. No, challenge open myself up to the possibilities life seems to throw at me. Im a Capricorn. lol and for most people who know me, they know what that means... Im cynical, arrogant, stubborn, pessimistic, self-centered, and egotistical. In a nutshell, Ive completely blocked out anyone who hasnt already penetrated the titanium sealed brick wall that Ive built around myself. Basically, Im trapped. and I dont remember how to let anyone in  (excuse me, its truth time) I dont remember how to get the hell out. So without being depressing, or psychotic [tho i will be at times] I want you to embark on this journey of discovery with me. I cant always guarantee you pretty, we're gonna get ugly at times! But I can promise you laughter, tears, happiness, and strength... I hope you enjoy.