First Time

(No thats not what I meant by first time, but on the same subject...)

You know that feeling when you kiss someone for the first time?

That moment when you feel magic in your fingertips.

Like...

This moment will never fade and you can feel yourself spinning from your pinky toe to your outermost eyelash.

Every muscle in you surrenders to the unadulterated titillation of this persons mere thoughts.

You can hardly breathe, yet somehow you feel more alive in that very moment.

You gain more clarity in that feeling than you have ever cared to comprehend.

That moment...

That Feeling...

I wanna live for that moment.

I wanna die in that feeling.

Ive been chasing that "first time" feeling since my first love, and for once Im discovering it in myself. Although, completely by accident, Ive found  Im finding something in me thats scary, and amazing, and insightful, and potentially disasterous, and magical. Im finding peace.

Last month, I had no idea what my next move would be in terms of career, love, money, LIFE. This month, I still have absolutely no clue. The only difference between last month and this month, is that Im not trying to force anything to happen. Someone once told me "its gonna be what its gonna be" in reference to a relationship. I wasnt able to receive that message at that point, but I think I get the correlation to all aspects of life now. There will be days when shit is just not that great. Roll with it. It cant last forever, right? Take those days, hours, minutes, moments to reflect inwardly. Hey, you might find that its complete and utter bullshit. But what do you have to lose by trying? A couple of minutes?

Figure out a way to find solace in your storm.

Only you know whats best for you. And only you can do that.  So do it. Whatever works. Do it.

Ghost Writing....

Its been really difficult for me to look at your page. And I know this is silly, writing u a message that will probably never get opened or read, but its just something I have to do. I've never had the chance to explain myself or apologize to you for my being so abrasive. I know someplace inside I knew that I should have approached that situation differently but my heart, it was so anxious and full of love for u, I just had to do what I had to do   Tell you what I was  feeling. and when you didnt react to those feelings, I was LIVID... lol (How immature, right)But I kept those good times at heart. Those times when we would talk for hours and watch Purple Rain over the phone, and laugh at how only Prince could change somebody's whole name and it be ok lmao. And how you wanted to join that organization so bad that you transfered schools to get your chance, even tho I disagreed cuz nothing was worth that much lol. Or when I had to damn near stalk yo ass cuz I hadnt heard from you in weeks. And when we stopped speaking, for whatever reasons, I was so mad at you... Everytime I thought about it I would get annoyed. But a year ago around this time, I saw you walking from your car when I was going to campus, and I had  We had a short convo, caught up briefly and everything I ever shared with you rushed back into me for a second, then we said our goodbyes, And it was so short and its so odd because I never say goodbye (Only See you Later)... It makes things feel like the end to me, and ironically it was the last time I ever saw you. Even though I tried so hard not to, I love you from the depths of my soul and with every fiber of my being I will continue to love you. In life and in death. My soul mated with you in a metaphysical way that only the two of us would understand without words. I guess heaven needed another angel to watch over things. But I know you're happy now, and its all I've ever wanted for you. I pray we meet again someday. But until then, hold my spirit the way only you could, and keep me in the light. Protect me from harm and lead me to salvation. Happy Birthday... From your dearest friend... I love you. More than words. Show Heaven how we do it on Earth lol...